Christian
Marriage - what
is Christian Marriage?
Most of us who are married once believed that ours would
l be the first marriage in the history of the world to
be characterized exclusively by tenderness, respect, and
love. It usually does not take us too many weeks to discover
that this seemingly perfect spouse, amazingly, has not
escaped the stain of sin. And we begin to wonder what
we're in for.
Before we begin our discussion of Christian marriage,
it is important to emphasize that we are preaching the
ideal. And every marriage represented here this morning
falls short of that ideal. But the promise of God is that
in Christ we are new creations, we are the temple of the
Holy Spirit, we can be filled with the Spirit; Christ
is in us, thereby providing us with the hope of glory.
Whatever your failures, whatever your mistakes in marriage,
you can begin today to live out the ideal Christian marriage
by - and only by - depending on the power of the Holy
Spirit within you.
And when you fail, when you step out in your own power
and make a mess, you need to seek forgiveness from God
and your spouse, and begin again. Paul has already told
us to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, to walk
as children of light. Children don't learn to walk over
night. They learn by falling -- and picking themselves
up and trying again. And we too must pick ourselves up
after our failures, and thereby learn to walk in the area
of marriage, learning to depend on the Holy Spirit in
this most intimate, most difficult, and most rewarding
area of our lives.
Recall God's command to Joshua: I hereby command you:
Be strong and courageous; do not be terrified, do not
be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever
you go. (Joshua 1:9)
As we gain a deeper understanding of God's ideal for
marriage, many of us will see the stark contrast with
our own marriages. Satan will try to use that contrast
to make you think, "This is hopeless. I am a failure
as a husband or wife. My marriage can never reflect this
ideal." God commands us, "Do not be discouraged.
Do not be afraid. I am with you. I will uphold you. Depend
on me, and the years the locusts have devoured I will
redeem, and use for my glory in your life." So let
us focus on the ideal, and then by God's power strive
to attain it.
Last week, we began our investigation of Christian marriage
by examining Ephesians 5:22-33. We focused particularly
on the relationship between Christ and the church, having
noted that these themes were present throughout the book
of Ephesians. Recall that we highlighted four aspects
of this relationship:
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The unity of Christ and the church
The sacrificial love of Christ for the church
The headship of Christ over the church, and the submission
of the church to Him
The perfecting of the church by Christ
Today we ask the questions: How does the image of the
relationship between Christ and the church shed light
on the relationship between husband and wife? If Christ
and the church provide a pattern for the ideal Christian
marriage, what are the lessons for marriage today?
Unity in Christian Marriage
Let us begin by considering unity. Husband and wife are
one. From the beginning, God said: for this cause a man
shall leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
What does this mean?
First, husband and wife are one because they are both
parts of the body of Christ. This is why Christians are
to marry Christians. How can I be one with Christ, and
also one with someone who is not in Christ? In the ideal
Christian marriage, Christ is the head, the husband, of
each partner in the marriage individually; both man and
woman, as part of the church, are the bride of Christ.
So Jesus Christ is at the middle of the relationship.
The unity of husband and wife in its essence begins with
the unity of the two in Christ.
So the statements we studied some months ago when dealing
with spiritual gifts apply to husbands and wives also:
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need
of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I
have no need of you." (1 Corinthians 12:21)
Each part of the body needs to do its part to build up
every other part of the body. So the husband needs his
wife, and the wife needs her husband; they build up each
other when both are one in Christ.
But the unity between husband and wife is more profound
than the unity that exists among all Christians. When
Genesis says, "The two shall become one flesh,"
it is speaking about more than our oneness in the body
of Christ. Surely sexual union is part of this; physically
we become one flesh when we share sexual intimacy. But
recall that the unity between Christ and the church is
not something that happens regularly or occasionally;
the two are essentially one, at all times. Paul emphasizes
this truth for marriage in verses 28 and 33:
husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated
his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it . . . 33
let each of you love his own wife even as himself.
So Beth and I are one, in the same sense that I am one
with my body. When Beth is built up, and honored, and
growing, I am built up, and honored, and growing; if she
hurts, I hurt.
In the magnificent novel Anna Karenina, Tolstoy uses
a dual story line to examine marriage. He compares and
contrasts Anna's marriage with that of Levin and Kitty.
Anna and her husband make mistake after mistake, eventually
leading to the destruction of their marriage, while Levin
and Kitty exemplify a good marriage. Theirs is not perfect;
but they understand their essential unity. Tolstoy clearly
had thought long and hard about Ephesians 5 prior to writing
this book. Permit me to read a rather lengthy section
to you; this occurs shortly after Levin and Kitty marry:
Levin had thought there could never be any relations
between himself and Kitty other than those based on tenderness,
self-respect, and love: But the first month of their marriage
showed otherwise.
Their first quarrel arose because Levin had ridden over
to inspect a new farm. He returned half and hour late
because he had attempted a short cut and got lost. He
rode home thinking only of her, of her love, of his own
happiness, and the nearer he came to the house the warmer
grew his tenderness for her. He rushed into the room with
a feeling that was even stronger than the one with which
he had gone to propose to her, yet was all of a sudden
met with a grim expression he had never seen on her face
before. He tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away.
"What's the matter?"
"You're having a nice time . . ." she began,
trying to appear calm and venomous.
But the moment she opened her mouth, she burst into a
flood of reproaches, senseless jealousy, and everything
else that had been tormenting her during the half hour
she had spent sitting motionless at the window. It was
then that he clearly understood for the first time what
he had failed to understand when he led her out of the
church after the wedding. He understood that she was not
only close to him, but that he could not now tell where
she ended and he began. He realized it from the agonizing
feeling of division into two parts which he experienced
at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized
that he could not be offended with her because she was
himself. For a moment he felt like a man who, receiving
a sudden blow from behind, turns round angrily with the
desire to return the blow only to find that he had accidentally
struck himself and that there was no one to be angry with
and he had to endure and do his best to assuage the pain.
. . .
It took him a long time to recover his senses. His first
impulse was quite naturally to justify himself and explain
that she was in the wrong; but to show her that she was
in the wrong meant to exasperate her still more and to
widen the breach which was the cause of all this trouble.
One impulse quite naturally drew him to shift the blame
from himself and lay it upon her; another much more powerful
feeling drew him to smooth over the breach and prevent
it from widening. To remain under so unjust an accusation
was painful, but to hurt her by justifying himself would
be still worse. Like a man half awake and suffering from
pain, he wanted to tear off the aching part and cast it
away, but on coming to his senses he realized that the
aching part was himself. All he had to do was to try to
help the aching part to bear it, and this he did.
Isn't that a wonderful illustration of this truth? Levin
"could not now tell where she ended and he began."
"He could not be offended with her because she was
himself." You see, when we build each other up, we
ourselves benefit, because we are one. If we lash out
at each other, and justify ourselves individually, if
we break the sacred bonds that unite us, we are only in
the end hurting ourselves. Just as we try to assuage the
pain when our bodies hurt, so we need to comfort and forgive
each other when we (inevitably) hurt each other.
So just as Christ and the church are one, man and wife
are essentially one flesh, they form an essential unity.
Any assertion of self, of my rights, is a denial of this
fundamental truth. God has truly joined man and wife together,
making them one. Let us not separate one from another.
Love in Christian Marriage
In addition to emphasizing that Christ and the church
are essentially one, last week we highlighted Christ's
love for the church. Recall also that Paul in these verses
is expanding not only on the idea of our being filled
with the Spirit, but in particular on the idea expressed
in verse 21: we are to submit to one another out of reverence
for Christ. In this context, Paul commands the husband
to love his wife -- this is his method of submission.
What does Paul mean by love? Let us clarify the idea
by examining what Paul does not mean:
(1) Paul is not saying, "Love your wife if she submits
to you." That would be a conditional love.
(2) Second, he is not saying that husbands are to act
like Casper Milquetoast, always following her lead, responding
to her statements with, "Whatever you say, dear."
That would be to give up the husband's headship, which,
as we will see later, is a key element in Christian marriage.
(3) Third, Paul is not here talking about erotic love.
The word "erotic" comes from the Greek eros,
a love that responds to the beauty of the other. When
Paul tells husbands to love their wives, he does not use
this term; indeed, the Greek word eros is never used in
the New Testament.
Now, the Bible clearly teaches that sexuality is one
of God's gifts, and that the joy of sexual relations between
husband and wife is an expression of their essential one-flesh
unity. The Song of Solomon, for example, is a celebration
of erotic love in its proper context. In beautiful images,
the author expresses the longing for sexual fulfillment
prior to marriage and the consummation of that longing
after marriage.
Recall also the command that God gives the Israelites
in Deuteronomy 24:5:
When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with
the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free
at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife.
"He shall give happiness to his wife." I believe
God here is talking about more than just taking out the
garbage and playing Scrabble.
Proverbs 5 also highlights our Creator's positive view
of sexuality:
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife
of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her
breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated
always by her love (Proverbs 5:18-19)
Husbands are commanded to delight physically in their
wives, to be drunk, or carried away with her love. The
sexual relationship between husband and wife is one of
abandonment to the other.
This idea carries over to the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians,
Paul says:
The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also
to her husband; the husband's body does not belong to
him alone, but also to his wife (1 Corinthians 7:4)
Our bodies belong to each other, and are to be used within
the marriage relationship to bind us together, and to
give great pleasure to the other.
So erotic love is not only sanctioned by the Bible, but
also commanded within the confines of marriage. Yet the
love Paul commands in Ephesians 5 is more than erotic
love.
(4) Furthermore, love in marriage is more than friendship
love. The Greek word for this type of love is "philia,"
which is sometimes translated "brotherly love."
(Thus "Philadelphia" is the city of brotherly
love.) Now, the love between spouses should include friendship
love. Indeed, in Titus 2:4, Paul commands the older women
to sober the minds of the younger women so that they might
"phileo" their husbands, so that they might
love their husbands as friends. Sharing interests, having
deep discussions, simply enjoying being in each other's
company -- all these are vital parts of a good marriage.
Certainly the command in Deuteronomy for the man to give
happiness to his wife includes being her friend and growing
in their enjoyment of each other, as well as sharing sexual
intimacy.
So love in marriage is not conditional, nor is it obsequious;
love in marriage is not solely erotic, nor solely friendship.
What is the positive teaching about love?
When Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives, just
as Christ also loved the church" he uses the word
"agape." Agape love is a love that gives, a
love that has the other's interest at heart. This is exemplified
by its use in the most famous verse in the Bible:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only
son (John 3:16)
This is the same word for love: agape. Agape love gives,
agape love has the interest of the other at heart, agape
love yields its own rights in order to show love to the
other. Think of Jesus yielding his rights, as detailed
for us in Philippians 2:
2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining
the same love (agape), united in spirit, intent on one
purpose. . . . 4 do not merely look out for your own personal
interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have
this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not
regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but
emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and
being made in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in
appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient
to the point of death, even death on a cross. (NASB)
Jesus loved and gave, not because of anything inherently
good in us, not because we were attractive or shared some
interest with him, but simply because he loved us. So
he humbled himself, he gave up all his glory to serve
us. Just so, we husbands are to love our wives: Giving
ourselves, dying to self, serving our wives.
Question: We know that husbands are to love their wives;
should wives show agape love to their husbands? Surely
this is so. So why doesn't Paul command wives to love
their husbands rather than emphasizing their submission
and respect? I believe Paul here is commanding each marriage
partner to do what is hardest for him or her. Husbands
are most tempted to dominate their wives, and thus are
commanded to love sacrificially; wives are most tempted
to look down on their husbands, so are commanded to submit
and respect.
So in marriage there is a place for erotic love, and
a place for friendship love. But the greatest of all loves
is agape love, a love that gives, a love that does not
demand or hold onto rights, but has the good of the other
at heart.
Submission and Headship in Christian Marriage
Now that we have discussed unity and love, we can begin
our discussion of the most controversial topic: headship
and submission.
Look again at Ephesians 5:23-24:
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ
is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the
Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (NIV)
The statement cannot be clearer. Christ is the head of
the church; the husband is the head of the wife. The church
submits to Christ; just so, the wife submits to her husband.
Yet these statements continue to generate a tremendous
amount of controversy. Paul has been called all sorts
of names because of what he says here. We can clear up
some of that controversy by beginning in the same way
we began with love: considering what Paul does not mean.
First, Paul is not talking here of submitting to an external
authority. In Christian marriage, submission is based
on the unity and love we have already discussed. The husband
and wife are essentially one body, one unit, just as Christ
and the church are essentially one. So the head is not
someone coming from the outside, telling the wife what
to do; the head is her own self, lovingly directing their
joint life.
Second, submission does not imply blind obedience. Remember,
this passage follows all of Paul's injunctions to walk
as children of light, to walk in a manner worthy of our
calling. Should our head direct us in ways that violate
God's clear commands, we are not to follow.
Third, submission does not imply inferiority. In this
passage, all of us are told to submit to one another out
of reverence for Christ. The husband's submission implies
his loving his wife sacrificially, the wife's following
her husband's lead. Galatians 3:28 and other passages
show clearly that men and women come before God equally.
If submission does not imply following an external authority,
blind obedience, or inferiority, what does it mean? Let's
consider what submission means positively by examining
the motivation and the extent of submission.
The Motivation for Submission
A literal rendering of Ephesians 5:21-22 reads:
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,
wives, to your husbands, as to the Lord.
Wives are not to be subject to their own husbands in
the same way they are subject to the Lord; rather they
are to submit to their husbands because they are subject
to the Lord. In other words, the wife is saying, "Because
of what Christ has done for me, because I know he has
my good at heart, and because he commands it, I will submit
to my husband." So the wife shows her submission
to Christ by her submission to her husband in the areas
of his authority.
Ray Stedman relates these words written by a woman who
had struggled with these issues:
My submission to my husband is a kind of gauge or a measure
of the degree to which I am submitted to Christ. . . I
realize that my submission to my husband is not my gift
to him, to be received gratefully on his part, and to
be returned in kind. Nor is it to be a subtle form of
blackmail. (See how submissive I was in this circumstance,
Lord? Now what about seeing some results!) In fact if
I were submitting to him as unto the Lord I wouldn't care
what the results were -- that's his business
She is exactly right. This is the meaning of submitting
to the husband as to the Lord.
Now, it is important to note that this type of submission
is not natural, not logical. But that is true of many
of the commands offered to us as Christians -- we walk
by faith, not by sight. Consider these other, similar
commands:
Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities
(Romans 13:1) (Paul wrote this when Nero was emperor .
. .)_
Do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on
your right cheek, turn to him the other also. (Matthew
5:39)
If a Roman soldier forces you to carry his pack one mile,
offer to carry it a second mile. (Matthew 5:41)
How can we possibly agree to do such things? Won't this
type of behavior end in our being run over by the strong
and arrogant?
Our motivation for submitting to our husbands and obeying
these other commands must come from our certain faith
in the power and goodness of God. Because I know that
God is in control, because I read this clear command in
the Bible, because I know that He has promised to work
together all things for the good of those who love him,
because Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep
my commandments," -- for all these reasons, I can
submit. Unless one believes that God is in control, submitting
is not logical, it makes no sense from a worldly point
of view -- but God is in control, and we walk by faith
not by sight.
The Extent of Submission
Now let us consider the extent of the wife's submission
to her husband. Look again at verse 24:
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should
submit to their husbands . . .
What comes next? Does Paul say that I as a wife should
submit only:
in those cases when I'm wrong and my husband is right?
at those times when I feel like it?
on relatively unimportant issues?
as a reward when my husband shows love for me?
as a reward when he begins to act like so-and-so's husband?
No, "so also wives should submit to their husbands
in everything." Now, we have already said that submission
does not extend to following our husbands into sin. Remember
the story of Ananias and Sapphira; they both died for
their sin of lying to God. Had Sapphira not lied, she
would not have died.
Nevertheless, in everything not forbidden to Christians,
the wife is to submit to the husband as the church does
to Christ. That means completely.
Later, we'll clarify the meaning of headship and submission
by use of an analogy -- but first, let us consider the
nature of headship.
The Nature of Headship
Let us begin once again with a negative. Headship is
not harsh and domineering. Paul elsewhere writes:
Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
(Colossians 3:19)
The true head who loves and is one with his wife will
never embitter her, or dominate her. That is completely
contrary to the ideal relationship as exemplified between
Christ and the church.
For the positive teaching about headship, let us consider
another parallel.
Christ is the head of every man, and the husband is the
head of his wife, and God is the head of Christ. (1 Corinthians
11:3)
So wife is to husband as the church is to Christ as Christ
is to God. Let's explore the relationship between Christ
and God in order to gain insights into the relationship
between husband and wife.
We can summarize the relationship between Jesus and God
the Father with four words:
Unity: Jesus says, "I and the father are one."
(John 10:30)
Cooperation: 'But Jesus answered them, "My Father
is still working, and I also am working."' (John
5:17)
Honor: "Glorify your Son so that the Son may glorify
you." (John 17:1)
Submission: "For I have come down from heaven, not
to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me."
(John 6:38)
We might summarize the relationship this way:
Identity as to nature,
Cooperation as to work,
Honor as to person, and
Submission as to final decisions.
These four categories hold for the headship relationship
between husbands and wives. They are essentially one,
they cooperate to achieve a common goal, they honor and
respect each other, and the wife submits to the husband
with regard to final decisions.
In a sermon which some of you may remember, I developed
a military analogy that helps to clarify the headship
relationship between husband and wife:
Imagine a nation fighting a war. Two army corps are fighting
in separate locations, under two generals of the same
rank. The enemy is massing in one location, so the commander-in-chief
instructs the two army corps to come together to engage
the enemy. In such a situation, the commander-in-chief
must name one of the two as commanding general of the
engagement. The other must submit to the leadership of
the commanding general. Now, the commanding general, if
he is wise, will honor and respect the other general,
and will seek his counsel. He will listen to his subordinate's
advice, especially to that general's assessment of the
qualities and capabilities of the units under his command.
Indeed, any good subordinate general must offer advice.
Ideally the two generals will agree on an overall plan
for the engagement; it is possible for them to conduct
the entire battle without the question of submission arising.
But if they do not agree on a plan, in the end the commanding
general must assume responsibility and decide on the course
of action to be taken. The subordinate general must submit
-- even if he is convinced that the chosen course is a
mistake. Why should he submit? Not because the commanding
general is smarter, wiser, or more senior than he, although
he may be; not because the commanding general's plan is
superior to his, although it may be; but he submits because
the commander-in-chief, with the good of the country in
mind, has placed him under the command of his fellow general.
What happens if the subordinate general disobeys orders,
and tries to carry out his own plan? The two corps will
act in an uncoordinated fashion, and then the enemy is
likely to defeat the two parts of the army one by one,
leading to disaster for the country.
This is the true meaning of submission and headship.
There is no implied difference in worth or ability --
just as the two generals may have been of the same rank
and skill. Instead, submission implies that one person
voluntarily agrees to follow the leadership of another
for the good of everyone concerned. Just as Jesus and
God the Father are equal, but Jesus submits to his Father,
just as Jesus was superior to his parents but submitted
to them, the wife submits to her husband. Thus, submission
for the wife means that she willingly acknowledges the
headship of her husband over her, and has confidence in
God that He has set this authority over her for her own
good. Headship for the husband means that he respects
and listens to his wife, that he sacrifices his own good
for her good, and that he takes responsibility for making
decisions that will build up the family and glorify God.
The military analogy is useful in many ways, but fails
to bring out the fundamental differences between men and
women, and the reasons why God has chosen men to serve
as heads. These differences arise in the next area of
our concern, the perfection of the marriage partners.
The Perfection of Each Other in Christian Marriage
We have examined three areas in which the relationship
of Christ and the church parallels the relationship of
husband to wife: Unity, love, and headship/submission.
The fourth and last area deals with the perfection of
the husband and wife as a result of the marriage relationship.
As Christ perfects the church, the husband perfects the
wife and, I will suggest, the wife perfects the husband.
This, indeed, is the purpose of the husband's headship.
We will examine this issue by considering what type of
perfection we are discussing, and then how the husband
perfects the wife, and vice versa.
Recall verses 25 and 26 of our passage:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved
the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might
sanctify her.
Christ loved the church for a purpose: to sanctify her,
to put her to her proper use, to allow her to fulfill
her potential.
What is the parallel with husbands and wives? How does
the husband perfect the wife?
First, note that nowhere does the Bible say that the
husband is the spiritual head of the wife. No, Christ
is the spiritual head of the wife and Christ is the spiritual
head of the husband. All of us are the bride of Christ;
he is our husband spiritually, our head. Christ will perfect
us spiritually through his love.
But the husband is the head of the wife as a human, as
man and woman. We perfect each other in our maleness and
femaleness through the marriage relationship. Through
marriage, we become the men and women that God intends
us to be.
In order to discuss this point, we need to consider briefly
the purposes of men and women in creation (for more see
my sermon referred to above). Why does God make man the
head of the woman? In 1 Corinthians 11, Paul says that
the reason goes back to creation. If we consider Genesis
2 and 3, we find that man's purpose in creation is to
bring order, to serve the creation. His purpose is directed
at the world around him, at things. He is functional in
orientation. Woman, on the other hand, was created from
man, and was created to complete the man, to be his helpmeet
or ally. Her focus, then, is relational. Together they
balance each other, and perfect each other as they allow
each to become what God intends.
So how does this perfection come about? One wife, when
hearing this, said, "I've been trying to perfect
my husband for years; whenever he does something wrong,
I tell him, and then I tell him how to do it right."
Of course, that is not what God intends. Let us consider
some of the wrong ways to perfect our spouses. We will
not perfect our spouses by:
Having a critical attitude towards them.
Being silent about their faults.
Comparing them to others.
Nagging them (A woman once asked her husband to define
nagging. He said, "When you tell me once, that's
a suggestion; when you tell me a second time, that's a
reminder; when you tell me a third time, that's nagging.")
Manipulating them, bribing them with affection or other
favors.
If these methods don't work, how are we supposed to perfect
our husbands and wives? Fundamentally, the wife perfects
the husband by respecting him, and the husband perfects
the wife by loving her (verse 33).
Let's consider the wife's respect for her husband first.
We'll look at five aspects to her respect.
(1) A wife perfects her husband by making him know that
she respects him.
A man is freed to love his wife when he knows that she
respects him. Without that confidence, truly giving of
oneself sacrificially is incredibly frightening, as one
is open and laid bare before her. So it is easier to love
Beth if I have confidence in her respect. Indeed, the
best way to get your husband to love you is to ensure
that he knows you respect him. That is why Peter writes:
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own
husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to
the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior
of their wives (1 Peter 3:1).
By the way, the reverse holds too; the best way to get
your wife to respect you is to love her sacrificially.
(2) A wife perfects her husband by making HIM her head.
It is very tempting to set up some other man as your
head: Your pastor, a Christian teacher, or an author from
whom you have learned much. God chose your husband especially
for you. You can learn from others, but always remember
that your husband is your head, not any other man.
(3) A wife perfects her husband by communicating with
him.
As the analogy with the generals shows, submission does
not mean silence, it does not mean simply agreeing without
discussing. Consider again the relationship between Christ
and the church. The church is to submit completely to
Christ. But God wants us to tell him everything!
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, present
your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)
Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
Now, this communication needs to be respectful, and,
as with the Lord, in final decisions we must yield our
own will. But communication concerning your thoughts,
your desires, your dreams is one way to perfect your husband.
(4) A wife perfects her husband by discerning his desires.
Some of us men find it hard to talk about our inner selves.
Our wives serve us greatly when they are able to study
us and learn about us, so that they understand our goals
and our desires. Then we know that they are truly our
allies, our helpers in accomplishing those goals.
(5) A wife perfects her husband by having complete confidence
that the Lord is in control.
In setting up the man's headship, God is promising to
the wife that he will work for her good through her husband.
Even if the husband errs, making a bad decision, the wife's
submission honors God, and He will redeem that bad decision.
This is walking by faith and not by sight -- the very
essence of the Christian life.
Now let's turn our attention to the husbands. Last time
we noted the words used of Christ and the church: love
her, cleanse her, nourish her, care for her. How do these
translate into practical lessons?
(1) The husband perfects his wife by giving her time.
We husbands must take care not to let work, recreation,
or ministry opportunities crowd out time with our wives.
You cannot love your wife sacrificially without spending
time with her.
(2) The husband perfects his wife by speaking to her.
Christ communicates to the church through his word, and
we must communicate to our wives by using words! Husbands,
how many times in the evenings do you answer your wife's
questions with grunts? Noting this tendency in many men
toward silence and grunts, Martyn Lloyd-Jones says, "Make
yourself talk." This can include speaking about seemingly
trivial matters as well as sharing with her your hopes
and dreams. Talk!
(3) The husband perfects his wife by listening to her.
Listen when she speaks to you even about unimportant
issues. Seek out your wife's opinion on important matters.
Now, her submission and respect free you to do this. Many
men do not seek out their wives' opinions because they
want to avoid fights and disagreements. If, in the past,
differences of opinion on important matters have led to
fights, the man has every incentive to make those decisions
on his own without discussion. When the man knows that
his wife respects him, when he knows that even if she
disagrees in the end she will accept his decision, he
is much freer to seek her advice and listen to it. This
is the beauty of God's plan for headship and submission.
(4) The husband perfects his wife by cleansing her, nourishing
her, and caring for her.
We husbands can lovingly communicate with our wives about
their desires to change themselves, and help them to do
so. We can pray about her needs, and be creative in finding
ways to please her and build her up. We can protect her,
knowing her failings, her weaknesses, and taking care
that she avoid situations that will cause her to stumble
as a result of those weaknesses. We can avoid condemning
her, or irritating her, or getting annoyed with her when
she does stumble, but instead we can forgive her and seek
to build her up. When we marry, we marry a whole person
-- beauty and ugliness, successes and failures. Our wives
need to know that we love them unconditionally, and that
we are here not to berate and condemn, but to help them
to become what God intends them to be.
This is a picture of the ideal Christian marriage: Unity,
Love, Headship/Submission, and Perfection. Consider now
three results of our living out a true Christian marriage.
First, the husband shows his inner character by what
his wife becomes. Just as Christ's character is displayed
in the glory of the church, so a husband's character is
displayed through the person his wife becomes. Remember
verse 27 of our passage? Jesus sanctifies and cleanses
the church so that
He might present to Himself the church in all her glory,
having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that
she should be holy and blameless.
He presents to himself the church. A loving husband will
be able to present to himself his wife in all her glory,
set apart for him, perfect in her womanhood. After many
years of marriage, she will be a woman at peace, a women
who responds lovingly to him in every way. And it will
be apparent to all that this man is a man of love.
Second, a Christian marriage testifies to the truth and
power of the gospel.
Jesus says, "By this shall all men know that you
are my disciples, if you . . ." what? If you have
love one for another. This is true of all Christians,
but it is especially true of marriage. The truth of the
gospel is manifested when those outside the church:
See the tenderness a husband and wife have for each other
after decades of marriage,
See the mutual regard husband and wife have for each other,
See an example of godly headship and submission,
See the true, essential unity of Christian marriage.
Living out a Christian marriage is a tremendous witness,
a tremendous testimony to the power of God, particularly
in today's culture. Martyn Lloyd-Jones put it this way:
"There is no greater recommendation to the truth
and power of the Christian faith than a Christian husband
and wife, a Christian marriage, a Christian home."
Third, a Christian marriage grows over time.
For many marriages, the honeymoon is the apex. Everything
is downhill after that. But a truly Christian marriage
will grow and grow as each partner perfects the other.
We need to ask ourselves continually:
How can I come closer to loving my wife as Christ loved
church?
How can I show respect to and honor my husband, as the
church does to Christ?
How can I build up my wife, or my husband?
Conclusion
Are you still looking for a Christmas present for your
wife our husband? (I am!) Would you like to know the best
Christmas present you could possibly give? The greatest
Christmas present you could possibly give to your spouse
would be to commit to living out your role as a Christian
husband or a Christian wife by the power of the Spirit.
Let me emphasize those last five words, concluding where
we began: "By the power of the Spirit." Because
if you are like me, you husbands are thinking that you
cannot possibly love your wife like Christ loved the church.
And you women are thinking that you cannot possibly submit
to your husbands in everything. I assure you, all of us
struggle with this. Jesus tells us to be perfect as he
is perfect. And not one of us is perfect.
But God has promised that his people will become perfect
-- he will change us and mold us into Christlikeness.
Count on that!
Satan will try to say one of two things:
"You're doing well enough in your marriage, at least
better than most others; don't be fanatical about this
-- you don't need to change anything." But I tell
you this morning, don't be satisfied with a marriage that
is less than perfect. Examine yourself. If you are failing
to live up to these ideals, confess this to God, and ask
him to change you.
Or Satan might say, "It's no use. If you could start
over, maybe you could make this marriage work. But given
your spouse, given all that has happened in your marriage,
there is no hope."
This is a pack of lies. Now, by yourself you cannot change
the habits of relating to each other you have created.
"Apart from me you can do nothing." If you try
to change depending on your own natural resources, you
will fail. But, remember! We began this series with an
overview of the truths in this great book of Ephesians:
You ARE raised with Christ, you are seated with him in
the heavenlies!
You ARE LIGHT; You CAN walk as children of Light!
You can be FILLED WITH SPIRIT!
All this is true. By conscious, continual dependence on
the Spirit within you, you can live out the ideal Christian
marriage.
So let us learn to walk by the Spirit in our marriages,
imitating the relationship between Christ and the church.
Husbands, love your wives.
Wives, respect and submit to your husbands.
Let us pray:
This Christmas season, Lord, as we think of your giving
up your rights and privileges to come to be born the apparent
illegitimate son of a poor woman; as we think of you submitting
to being tortured, beaten, spit upon, and nailed to the
cross to die for our sakes; Lord, as we think of the great
gift you have given us of an indwelling Spirit; may we
leave today, determined to seek forgiveness for our failure
to live up to your ideals of Christian marriage, and so
to depend on your Spirit within us that we might show
your love to our spouses, that we as husbands might love
our wives sacrificially, and that we as wives might respect
and submit to our husbands. And may our marriages be to
your glory. In Jesus' name, Amen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This written message is based on sermon notes for messages
delivered 12/10 and 12/17/97 at Community Bible Church
in Williamstown, MA. Since the break between the two sermons
was determined more by time constraints than content,
the two are combined here.
I owe much of my understanding of Christian marriage
to Steve and Erica Lawry of Parakaleo Ministries, Stanford,
CA. Ray Stedman's teaching on this passage, found at the
PBC web site, has also influenced me strongly. The teaching
on the relationship between Jesus and God the Father is
taken from Ray's sermon on this passage. |
